| Sleepless in Seattle: | I'm thinking about buying a video camera
and wondered what you would recommend
between a Sony DCR-TRV720, DCR-TRV730 and
a Canon ZR-25. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Although the Sony series is noted for
it's fine resolution, it's tough to
beat telling a woman to smile, as she
stares into your Canon. |
| |
| war chief: | mr grumpy, iam a small man of 2 feet 2
inches tall, and the ladies wont leave
me alone. how can i tell them that the
tiny titalator is tierd? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I'll make it easy. I'm John Raid. I
live at 3323 Riverbend Dr NE; Cedar
Rapids, IA 52411. But I'm sure you
already knew that. |
| |
| sNatchel: | why ma pecker hert so, MR. GRumpy? ah
feels tard too. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Try Iron...many people just don't get
enough Iron. |
| |
| The Mayor: | What the heck is this about. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You damn well know what this is about
you bastard, you thought it up. |
| |
| Jersey tears: | Is it a sin to marry a girl you aint
related to? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Only if you are royalty. |
| |
| Turk: | my butt hurts. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Stop shoving large objects up there and
it might feel better, you pacholie
wearing, tree hugging, Iowa City
feminazi loving bastard! |
| |
| Jersey tears: | Mr. Grumpy, I lost my car keys. Any
ideas where they might be? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Check the Turk's ASS! |
| |
| That Other Brockman Boy: | I've got voices in my head that tell me
to burn things. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Good. I was afraid I might be the only
one...as a matter of fact, i think i'll
go burn one right now.
|
| |
| Jersey tears: | My ol dog, Scoop, won't stop treein'
the neighbor boy. Kickin' him works fer
everthin else, but not this. Whut
should I do, Mr. Grumpy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Next time ol' scoop trees that bugger,
bring him down with yer 4-10. That
should take care of yer problem. |
| |
| Turk: | got an idea why i don't like your
answere? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...I don't even understand the question. |
| |
| King Turkey: | Mr Grumpy, what has happened to you?
Are you still with us? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes...Turk. I am always with you. When you are driving in your car, I am
there. When you are sleeping in your little turk nest, I am there. When you
wake up late at night to get a drink of water, and shuffle across the floor in
your pajamas with the little feet...I am there. When you come back to bed to
your sweet girlfriend...I was there too. |
| |
| Thirsty in CR: | Mr. Grumpy, I swear I hate whisky. In
fact I usually get sick when I drink it.
But lately I've been having the taste
flash through my mind. And I really like
it and want a drink. Do you think I have
a problem? If so, what should I do? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | First off try drinking it while you are sick. That will keep you from "getting
sick" from drinking it. Second you don't have a "problem", you have a
DESIRE. That would explain the taste "flashing through your mind" thing.
The cure is this...go to the War Chief, lick him. This should get you nice and
sick. Then drink several shots of Crow. All your DESIRE for whisky will have
magically disappeared! The only thing that will be "flashing through your
mind" will be your retinas as you hurl to the beat of your Katzenjammin'
stomach. |
| |
| Turk: | Thats because shoving my banjo up your
ass is not a question. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Oh..ho..ho.Turk Turk, Now YOU'RE
starting to sound like MR. Grumpy. I
think you need a nap. |
| |
| zztop: | What is the proper listening volume for a
Herb Alpert album? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | ZERO...Duh... |
| |
| pregnant in CR: | Mr. Grumpy, I met this girl in a bar
once. One thing led to another and we
ended up having an incredible night of
sex. Now I found out she's pregnant. My
question is what color should I paint the
baby's room. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Blue...'cause that's what you'll be
when you get the bill from the
hospital. |
| |
| Little Eli Crow: | why does my penis look different than
the other boys |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Because your mom and dad are unclean. When you get old enough you can
whack the end of that sucker off, just like all the other little boys on the
planet. |
| |
| sNatchel: | Mr. Grumpy, what's a boner? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | To some a boner is a way to hold up the bed sheet in the morning. To
others, it is a reason not to slow dance with girls. Many find a boner to be a
source of great pleasure. Boner, furthermore, rhymes with Loner. In the
game of Eucher a loner is worth 4 points. This achieved, can give the player
a boner. It the game of life, however, a loner with a boner ain't worth shit. So
in conclusion, if you find you have a boner it is best to share it with a friend. |
| |
| Anonymous: | who are you, mr. grumpy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | To be honest the real question is who are
you?
|
| |
| Anonymous: | No, asshole, the question is who are
you? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Ok...If you must know, I am Pete Rhorbaugh. I live in my mom's house...I
have a couple of dogs. They are the only things that can stand my company.
Some say I am grumpy because I never got enough love...some say it's
because I love too much. |
| |
| confused and possibly rabid: | mr. G-- maybe you can tell me what Oh
Wow Day is? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No, not becaude I can't but because I
won't ...and I am sure you are more
rabid than confused. |
| |
| Cola Frau: | Mr Grumpy, I have this incredible urge
to meet men who like Pepsi better than
Coke. When I see a man drinking a soda,
I immediately check to see what brand
it is. If it's something other than
Coke, I instictively am attracted to
the man (well, there have been a few
that not even the soda could help). In
fact, I often have to fight off the
urge to go up and talk to him. Any
suggestions on how I might overcome
this problem? Or should I follow my
instincts? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | A man can not be judged by his soda
alone. You might also consider the
length of his straw. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Mr. Grumpy, You wanna fight afterschool? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No. I don't hit girls. |
| |
| quasar: | deer grumpy guy,
i've got the worst taste in my mouth.
is it toxic rays?
signed,
concerned |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No, let me explain. When a person tells
you to "eat shit and die", it is ment
as a figurative expression. |
| |
| Anonymous: | ? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | !!! |
| |
| Turk (played by sNatchel): | Mr. Grumpy, I have had it up to here. I
been gettin' so much shit about ma
muzik. See, i gets down wit ma man H.
Alpert, and some fuckas gots the nerve
ta bust H's chops. WELL FUCK THEM, i
say. I be plannin ta flat blast all a
dem suckas. My q. is: Will H. Alpert
fit da bill for fight scene muzik? I
needs somthin' kickin' so's ta get ma
spunk up, but don't know if man H.A. is
tha right stuff. Hep |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Well...as far as herb's ability to "get
your spunk up" I can only say that he
sure enough gets The (real)Turk
Fightin' Mad. |
| |
| Mayor (played by sNatchel): | mithter grumpy, I have been having a
terrible, terrible time lately. My
latent feelings of humosexalitee have
been manifesting themselves in the form
of a heated debate wif my friend th'
Turk. I'm afeared that I may have lost
his respet fordamnnearever. What can I
do to win back his trust, yet keep this
hideous, shameful, unnatural, Goddamned
(actually damned by God), unrecognized
by nearly all states feeling a secret?
signed |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Nothing...you are a pussy for feeling
the way you do. If in the course of
coping with your latent homosexual
feelings you must express yourself, you
must in all fairness do so. People are
going to criticize you no matter what
you do Mayor (played by sNatchel), so
toughen up to the slings and arrows ya
big Pussy! |
| |
| Matteo: | Mr. Grumpy why is Turk a pacholie
wearing, tree hugging, Iowa City
feminazi loving bastard! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | ? |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Mr. Grumpy, I don't mean to sound
ungrateful, but I've followed most of
your advice and can't say it helped me
much. It just made me reeeeeal
thirsty... |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Now is this a compliment or a complaint? |
| |
| Bob Hope: | Shut up. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Only if you'll die. |
| |
| Chicken Lover: | Mr Grumpy, I have this wierd problem
that I am a little concerned about. I
can't keep my mind off of chickens. At
first it wasn't a very big problem. I
would think about them, and maybe
masturbate to an educational book about
chickens, but know I find myself
sneaking around farms in the middle of
the night looking for chicken coops. I
just don't know if I have taken this
thing too far or not. Hell, I almost
got my head blown of by a farmer last
Tuesday while I was running with one of
his chickens. Mr. Grumpy, am I
insane? What should I do? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Most farmer's are touchy about such
things...It's sort of a territorial
deal. Try the same with his wife, he
probably won't notice 'cause he spends
so much time watchin' his coop. Chances
are she can cook you a pie
too...Chicken Pot Pie, if'n you get my
drift. |
| |
| grumpy: | What the hell makes you think your more
god damned grumpy than me? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I'm not, Grummpy is my real name Fuck-
Face. |
| |
| grumpy: | why the hell haven't you answered me
yet? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Quit yer whimmpering ya Pussy. What was
your first question? |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Mr. Grumpy, why am I continually made
to be life's bitch? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Because you keep bending over to pick
up quarters in a bath house full of
towel snaping capitalists, who know the
value of a dollar. |
| |
| mr. chin: | mr. grumpy, which is the most honorable,
the cock, or the balls |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The Balls. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Is it better to have killed and gotten
caught than have never killed at all? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The world is divided into two parts:
things to be murdered, and things that
would hinder the murder of things-
Grendel |
| |
| Country Tyme 'do: | Mister G.: I have a question regarding
hair. I pondered writing to Elle or even
Allure, but felt that you might be a
hell of a lot faster. Trouble is, ever
since I moved to the country, my hair
has turned dry and brittle. I think it
may be the water. Help! I'm embarrassed
to go into Iowa City for fear that the
sofisticated may laugh at me! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Honney you have nothing to worry about,
your hairs not the problem, its your
flap jackin' knee slappin' boobs! |
| |
| uncle dirty: | your name spelled backwards = imp urg
rm. Impurgerim which in middle dutch
means to slather one's codpiece with
oil. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | And your name backwards is ytrid elcnu.
Wich is a few letters away from You
tried El Cunt. Fitting eh. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Is there anything wrong with using #2
shot on pheasants, just because I don't
like to clean them? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...but make sure it's a magnum load
or ya still have to de-bone em. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Is it sad that I have no real friends
and come here everyday to hang out with
cyberdrunks for self validation and
human contact? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...it's what makes us human. |
| |
| Matteo: | Mr. Grumpy, if the balls is the more
honorable of the male genetalia what
is the most honorable of the female
genetalia, the cliterous or the
ovaries? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The tits you moron! |
| |
| uncle dirty: | I keep trying to send this damn thing
but it doesnt come up on the message
board whats up? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I'm ignoring you El Cunt. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | When I asked you to fight me you called
me a girl. Was that an insult or were
you confused because I was wearing a
dress and pumps? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | And the answer is... |
| |
| Gun Dog: | I thought you cared, but you're just
like all the other crusty old bitter
sons a bitches in my life, aren't ya? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes...a girl, crying cause I haven't
called you back. |
| |
| Bob Hope: | Give me a dollar. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Fuck off Bob, can't you see there's a
war on, we are all doing what we can,
why don't you lend a hand boy. Make me
laugh you old fart! |
| |
| Jennifer Lopez: | I love you Mr Grumpy!!! Want to have
dinner at my place? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Only if I get to eat you. |
| |
| genital mutilator: | reckon you can patch me up mr G? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Give me a sewing machine and a few
moments with this bottle of crow, and
yer on! |
| |
| Tongue in Cheeks: | Mr. Grumpy, How many licks does it take? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Depends on the withth, length and
texture of yer tongue. 5 for me. |
| |
| Cletus: | What'r you fellers doin' in this har
sausage party? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Your mom...we are all DOING your Mom. |
| |
| Geniusboy: | You're amazing Mr. Grumpy. And cool
too. Wanna have my children? I'm male
and I guess you are too but we can work
it out. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Do you have a mother? If you do, go
smack her. |
| |
| Fred: | If my goldfish floats all day, what
does that mean? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It means yer workin' him too hard
without proper stimulation. try givin'
him a YJ 224. That should perk him up. |
| |
| Bob Hope: | Your advice sucks. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | As do your T.V. specials. |
| |
| God Himself: | So who do you think you are anyways? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You're GOD, you tell me! |
| |
| Texas Pete: | Yer the only man around here that makes
any sense. Why do you fraternize with
no account sissy shiners? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Who said any thing about fraternizing?
I get Paid for this. Mr. Grumpy is an
internet service. But I agree this site
has a fair share of pussies! |
| |
| Matteo: | Mr Grumpy, how do they get the deer to
cross at those yellow road signs? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Acid...lots of acid. |
| |
| Zorro: | can i have my pants back! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No. |
| |
| Matteo: | If pro is the opposite of con, is
progress the opposite of congress? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes. |
| |
| Squam: | Why? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Because. |
| |
| Iowa City Outcast: | Mr. Grumpy,
Santa came last night and he was
drunk and called Mommy a slut.
What's wrong with Santa? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Some times drinking brings out the
worst in people, some times it brings
out the best in people, it looks like
in santa's case, it confuses the truth.
When I talked to santa he had a
diffrent story. He said that last night
he came on your drunken slut of a
mother. |
| |
| Tony(John's Nephew) from Woodbury: | I'm sitting on the toilet and I'm having
trouble passing what shall I ever do? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What the hell is "passing"? Do you mean
taking a shit? Is that what you mean
you whimp! Well to start with get
comfortable with language! Passing is
what you do in a car, in school, on the
street...you do not pass on the
toilet.You shit on the toilet. Now say
to your self 5 times..."I am going to
take a shit" and mean it other wise Mr.
PooPoo will never taste the cool waters
of toilet town! |
| |
| uncle dirty: | mr. grunty, could you please have the
turk call me? he seems to not be
getting any of my phone calls or would
rather just not speak with me. If the
latter is true please have him call me
any way to tell me as much. namaste. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Did you get that Turk? |
| |
| turk: | Mr grumpy, Can you please ask uncle
dirty to clarify. perhaps he's got my
wrong number because I've recieved no
messages. And my roommate did recently
call him but, alas, we've got no return
call. Mr Grumpy, would you recommend
that we take this dispute to day time
talk shows? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Uncle Dirty, can you please clarify for
the Turk what you want. Perhaps you
have the Turk's wrong number, you know
the one his gives out people he's not
fond of. They have tried to call you as
well but to no avail. Perhaps you are
an asshole. Yours, the Turk Care of Mr.
Grumpy |
| |
| Bob Hope: | Where have all the updates gone? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Over to your mom's house.... |
| |
| Bob Hope: | WHDHSJKHDLWH yewgdaihsakhdcku*&^$&#@^)
&32729347214jwasldnjksanxuyIYHJKSDHDSASD
ILHSDAHSJKACH J
SFJDSHFJKFAY93YR939RE637~!~!
~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!
?!?!?!!? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Alas...bob died at his computer. |
| |
| Texas Pete: | What in Tarnation is the difficulty
y'all have understanding doppleganger?
It ain't rocket science. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Hey pete it can be complicated by the
amount of schizophrenics on the site! |
| |
| Quasar: | Mr. Grumpy-- I am a sculptor. I am very
good at what I do. Yesterday I did
carve myself from sandstone, and I was
wondering if you could cover me with a
brilliant translucent glaze. --C.C. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | This seems more of a job for chicken
lover. |
| |
| Red Wiggler: | I watched the scrambled porn channel
for so long I saw Shiva makin' it with
Bill Monroe and Azteroth. Is that
normal? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I think we are safe. There have been
many instances where the spiritual
world took sexual advantage of the
material plane. Often Apollo
would "visit" mortals. Mary was said to
have been visited by the Holy Ghost.
And lets not forget the mess Zool made
of the Ghostbuster Gang (and Sigourney
Weaver's carrer) when the Key Master
finaly found the Gate Keeper. So you
have nothing to worry about. Besides
only when Shiva is united with Shakti
does he have the power to create, and
we all Know Bill Monroe ain't shit
without his bluegrass boys. So write a
check to the cable company, cause the
only thing here that isn't normal is
standing between you and a clear
picture of the truth. |
| |
| Jim Musser: | How did Firewood Revival get so Goddam
good, Mr. Grumpy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Speed |
| |
| The Don: | Mr.Grumpy, i am proposed to make you
an offer you cannot refuse. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Fuck Off, I don't want it. |
| |
| Dick Spotswood: | How the hell did the firewood revival
get so goddam raunchy, Mr Grumpy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Crow. |
| |
| Texas Pete: | Whut is it with Iowa boys n' assholes?
Y'all got some kinda fixaton from
fallin' down the cornfield er what? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | They just like to hang out with 'em. Why do you think we haven't kicked your
ass out the door. |
| |
| Quasar: | Mr. Grumpy, "Waist" is that special
something adjoining the top and bottom
of my girlfriend that makes me wanna
humpa, humpa, humpa. "Waste" is what I
do whens I throw away a good YJ-224. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Which one would you be...? |
| |
| Hans Luftgwafta: | Mr. G, I got five finger fuckin' bucks.
What in hell's tarnation should I do
wit it? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I don't even know what that is. I swear, they'll give anyone a Computer these
days! |
| |
| Texas Pete: | Why do Iowa City tree huggers have a
bug up their butt about everthing
that's fun, fer instance our gawd
blessed country givin' a nother a ol'
fashioned ass whippin'? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I have only driven through Iowa a couple of times, but from what I understand
you have a lot of corn. I think a tree, for the purpose of a hug, would be hard
to come by. Clearly they are confused. Perhaps it is they who are in need of
an oldfashioned ass whippin'. |
| |
| Texas Pete: | How's a come I can't see nothin' after
drinkin' outta this here wood barrel? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You are experincing the effects of alchohol poisoning. Methyl alchohol
is a poison whos toxic effects can be seen in the nervous system,
particularly the optic nerve. Once absorbed into the body, it is
very slowly eliminated. Symptoms of overexposure may include
headache, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, blindness, coma,
and death. A person may get better but then worse again up to 30 hours
later. That is why it is recomended that you keep drinking, thus reducing the
potential of that "shity" feeling from happening. If the blindness impairs your
ability to drink, you have what is called "a drinking problem". |
| |
| Dick Clark the Destroyer: | YOUR SOUL IS FORFEIT!!!!!!!1 |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What is up with all these old crusty stars hitting the site....it's starting to
smell like old people around here. |
| |
| A. Humus: | So, this Owl and this Chicken walk into
a bar. The Chicken orders a round of Old
Crow. He takes a shot, punches the Owl,
and gives Mr. Grumpy the finger. Mr.
Grumpy looks him right in the beak and
says... |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Nice pecker...got a smoke? |
| |
| Gun Dog: | If you got a 12 pack of Beast Light and
you drink 8 of 'em and then your friend
asks for one and one for his friend,
how many beers do you have? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Four, 'cause I don't share my beer...and I don't have any friends. |
| |
| Smoothn'creamy: | Looky here, you like chunky or creamy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Chunky when it comes to soup, creamy when it comes to peanutbutter, and
anything that spreads when it comes to sex. (No chickens were harmed
making this joke.) |
| |
| Operator 119: | Uh, something really bad happened when
I removed the control rods from the
core and vented excess steam. I can't
find the safety manual either. Can you
help me asap!? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What is going on your basic melt down. It is simple to fix but it takes time. I
can only speak to plants that run on mixed oxide fuel, as these are the only
ones I have had the pleasure to run. So if you are working in a plant built
prior to 1989 plan on raking what's left of the surounding earth over the
smoldering ashes. However if you are lucky and working in a MOX plant
simply back the Varible Core Meter (VCM, the red dial next to the main kill
switch) to 10% releasing one qurter of one rod into the coolant tower in 53
second increments. It is important to do this as cooling to fast can be
disaterous. A hot, brittle reactor vessel might shatter like hot glass when
placed into cold water.The reactor vessel metal can reach nearly 550°F when
the plant is running. In case of a small problem, the plant's emergency
systems may automatically start sending 40°F water to the reactor vessel
make sure you calibrate the variant to off set this change. If the reactor
vessel has become too brittle and shatters, all the King's men and all the
King's horses would be no more successful putting it back together than
they were with Humpty Dumpty. A shattered reactor vessel makes it
virtually impossible to cool the reactor core, resulting in a reactor accident
significantly worse than at Three Mile Island. Good Luck Friend
|
| |
| Texas Pete: | Hey feller, since my rattle bustin'
alter ego is givin' me the heave ho, I
reckon I need a new career path. Any
suggestions? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | PIMP |
| |
| Pat from Mr. Witthoeft's 4th hour: | If a tree falls down in the forest, and
there is no one around to hear it, does
it make a sound? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | yes...it sounds remarkably like a tree
falling in the woods. |
| |
| Katie-4th hour: | What is the ultimate revenge for an X-
boyfriend? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | A blind date with you. |
| |
| Mr. Witthoeft's 4th hour class: | What should Joey write about for his
paper? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Whatever he knows about...shit, that's
the problem isn't it. |
| |
| "Beast Mode" Bob Hope: | Bling bling! Yuo liek my spelin!>!>!>!>!
>!>!>!>!!>!>!> |
| Mr. Grumpy: | White men don't have "Beast Mode",
espescially if they are over 90! |
| |
| Iowa City Outcast: | Mr. Grumpy, who really let the dogs
out? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Ben Eaton |
| |
| mr. wittoeft's 4th hour class-student: | i think im in love with mr. wittoeft.
he soooo sexy. what should i do ?
please help me out :) sexy sexy man
grrrrrrrrrrr::: |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You need one of three things: Glasses,
Grades or a lobotomy. |
| |
| blackflag: | why do birds suddenly appear ? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Cause the dog's doin' his job you lazy
fuck...now shoot! |
| |
| Marv Albert: | Mr. Grumpy, You know where I can score
some? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | 8 mile road. |
| |
| turk from Mr Witthoeft's 4th hour: | Mr. Grumpy, why doesn't our teacher
ever teach us anything worthwhile? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Teachers refuse to teach for a variety
of reasons. The primary reason is 'cuse
the students are little pricks...you
haven't been a little prick have you
Turk? |
| |
| The Unknown Comic: | Has Dick Clark been by here? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | There's that damn smell again! |
| |
| Shitface: | If a man falls down shitfaced in the
forest, and there's no woman around to
see him puke, is he still shitfaced? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | as the snow on the back of a tiger must
melt, so withers the ice in my burbon
and coke. If there is no woman to see
this am I still to blame for cry of the
butter-fly. Sulka Sulka Sulka. |
| |
| Colon Powell: | What crawled up inside me and died? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | That smell is the remainder of your
spine sluffing out of your anus, you
spineless executive branch puppet. |
| |
| Coke: | Coke or Pepsi? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I side with the Mr. Jennings on this
one...coke please at about $1,265 a
day. That's a lot of bottle dep. |
| |
| uncle dirty: | Have you Been to Camel-toe.org? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Only to post pictures of your mom. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Can I get an Amen? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Amen! |
| |
| The Unknown Comic: | What Smell? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The smell of rotting carrers! |
| |
| "Beast Mode" Bob Hope and Dick Clark the Destroyer: | We've returned to kick your ass, grump.
Get to steppin', yo. Word. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Whoah! That really smells bad. |
| |
| The Queef: | When ya gonna update yer Grumpy column,
cheese brain? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Never. |
| |
| kimberly austin: | mr. grumpy, you seem to be clairvoyant;
will i get this high school teaching
job i'm interviewing for? these middle
school kids are killing me. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Now that's Ironic...cause the Higschool
kids WILL kill you. |
| |
| Hazel the trailer Ho: | If you don't mind the kids, I kin make
ye Mr. Happy... |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Hey Yokel, looks like your mom learned
to type. |
| |
| Ghost of Eli Crow: | Caw? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Get outta here kid yer creepin' me out. |
| |
| Yodlin'Yokel: | Is'n the moon really made uh green
cheese? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No but apparently your mom's diaphragm
is. |
| |
| Little Billy, age 5: | Mr. Grumpy, Where does Mr. Jennings go
when he dies? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Up Willie's nose. |
| |
| judd: | mr. grumpy, what made you such a rude,
sniveling, gruff old bastard--the drink
or the women? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Actually it was drinking with your mom! |
| |
| penis envy: | Mr Grumpy, I have this obsession that I
cannot aleviate. I've got a ruler
under my bed and I cannot control the
urge to messure my penis on a daily
basis. Is there something wrong with
me? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No, it's healthy for a boy your age to be facinated by imaginary numbers. |
| |
| Philosofer: | Who would survive an isolated
wilderness one-on-one death-match:
David Carridine or Stephen Segall? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Neither, they are both pussies created by hollywood. Within 5 days the
skunks would be eating the assholes out of both their rotting corpses. |
| |
| crash and burn love.: | i know this guy whos kinda hot for the
girls, i mean he cant give them up,
even when he's got a few. Can you put
some sort of voodo shit down on his
ass so he can get some sleep at night? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Sure tell him to repeat this 5 times every night before bed, no matter
who he is sleeping with....I'm gonna get the clap if'n I don't chill the fuck out. |
| |
| Colon Powell: | Mr. Grumpy, can you give me your
assessment of the Mitchell plan and
it's effectiveness in bringing about
peace in the middle east? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Ask your boss, he has the Mitchell plan coloring book. (damn the crayola 64
pack does not include Palistinian Red) |
| |
| Medal of Addiction: | Sniper Rifle or Bazooka? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Nothing beats a sniper with a bazooka. |
| |
| Captain Crunch: | No matter how I squeeze the Charmin, I
can't get rid of the crunch berries,
what's a Cap'n to do? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Fuse it shut with some peanut butter crunch. |
| |
| Salty Dog.: | Yarr! avast ye landlubbers and let me
stake me claim with seaman Grumpy. Me
ships mast burns like the devil when I
piss 'er into the drink. What a ya make
of sich treachery? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Sounds like you been messin' around with Judd's mom too! |
| |
| The Nutty Professor: | Whayyy, Heyyyy Laaaadeyyy! Want to see
what flubber is realllly good for? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Your seat is ready on Air France...possibly the only place in the world you
can get laid. |
| |
| Billy bag pipes: | I canna hear aeney pipes in yur soddin'
mewsic. What tae devil's wrong wit yes? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Blowin' in to a goats ass to make noise ain't no kinda music son! |
| |
| Spelunker Bob: | Mr. Grumpy, when you tour the cavern of
love, do you keep your light on? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What is this love you speak of. I think you are confused. You are confusing
love with your own sick and twisted sexual perversions. That being said, I
leave the light on. |
| |
| Gun Pete the Texas Dog: | Is anybody from Mr. Witthoeft's fourth
hour class familiar with how to drop a
450 big block into a 1981 El Camino
supercharger? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | |
| |
| Gun Dog: | I think I'm in love with Mr. Witthoeft
too and that other bitch is pissin' me
off. What should I do legally or
otherwise? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | |
| |
| judd: | mr. grumpy, why are you so grumpy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | 'Cause your mom left me. Without paying. |
| |
| Daffy Drunk: | Thufferin' thuccotath, do you even get
paid to thit around and thtroke your
tethticleth with thethe thilly
quethtion athkers? Itth mighty
dithpicable volunteer work! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Would some one please blow his bill off? |
| |
| Stevie Nicks: | You're a couple of FUCKHOLES. Shut the
hell up, clown shoes. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I'll excuse the fact that your diatribe is NOT a question, cause I have always
wanted to blow a straw full of coke up your ass. So how about it fatty? Want
some Grummpy Love?
|
| |
| Toron, Warrior of Ock: | Toron want know where big fire in sky
go. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Toron, have mom? Toron need to go to mom...have mom slap Toron hard. |
| |
| Searchin': | How can I be more like the well-groomed
and happy people in the audience on the
Oprah show? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Get a physician to prescribe you drugs you don't need...get a banker to loan
you money you don't desreve...marry a person you don't like for reasons you
don't understand, and move to Chicago. That should make you happy. |
| |
| Philosofer: | Mary Anne or Ginger? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Mrs. Howell. Duh! |
| |
| Gun Dog: | Hey, I said "I'm gonna get the clap
if'n I don't chill the fuck out." 5
times and all that happened was my
lamps were rigged all crazy the next
day. I want all my questions back! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Here you go you fuck...never waste my time again.....[i know this guy whos
kinda hot for the girls, i mean he cant give them up, even when he's got a
few. Can you put some sort of voodo shit down on his ass so he can get
some sleep at night?] |
| |
| Nature Boy: | Mr. Grumpy, I was watchin' the
Discovery channel and saw monkeys
gettin' drunk offa fermented fruit. Is
this proof positive that drunkeness is
god's plan? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...drunkenness was gods way of insuring ugly women like your mom
could get laid. |
| |
| Billy Bagpipes: | What're ya dooin aboot tha soddin'
pipes I asked fer, ya bloody yank
wankers? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I SAID...bloin' in to a goats ass ain't music you Fuck. |
| |
| Salty Dog: | Yarr! Have ever ye even put 15 men on a
deadman's chest? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No but I'll reckon you have had a few in your mouth...ya marble mouth salty
fuck. |
| |
| Vortron of Klaatu: | I have traveled far to ask the grumpy
oracle. How would I hire FWR to play at
my Klaatuuian Death Dance party? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | First of all...you didn't have to travle any farther than your computer you ass,
so don't lay that shit on my plate. Secondly...I am not an oracle, finally I am
Mr. Grumpy, not the booking agent for some half-baked, third rate, bluegrass
wanna be "band". |
| |
| Fly Boy: | As an escaped American POW, I need to
know the best route out of Nazi
Germany. Should I head south for the
Swiss border or try to cross into
France to meet up with the Resistance? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I am afraid to say...fly boy, France IS
Nazi Germany now. May I suggest
Amsterdam. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | That was not my question! Who's running
this dog and pony show? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | 5 |
| |
| chewbacca: | hhrrwwwwaaaa rrrohhhhwwa? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Who let the fuckin' wookie in? |
| |
| Sgt. Fury: | I can shit, shower and shave and be out
the door in 15 minutes in the mornin'.
Top that, Maggot! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I can shower, shit, shave, and shag
your mother in 10. |
| |
| Britney S.: | Any tips on how a nice girl can "save
herself" for marriage? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I have never met a "nice girl", but if
I had to recomend anything, I think I
would go with Tupperware. |
| |
| HAL 9000: | what are you doing, Dave? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Uncle Dirty, I think this is for you. |
| |
| Dude: | Did you get it? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes...and tell your mother thanks. |
| |
| Jesus of Nazareth: | I know they know not what they do, but
they fuckin' hung me up like a cheap
ass Anne Gedes print. How am I supposed
to forgive that? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Rest assured Lord, the Catholic church
made a mint on the image. Hell, you are
more popular than the Beatles! |
| |
| Big hair and hard rock: | People at the office say I shouldn't
wear spandex and scream about good
lovin' so much. How can I change office
policy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Fuck your bosses wife, take photos. |
| |
| Yosh of the Yali: | People of my tribe do not know why we
wear gourds on our penises. Does the
wise Grumpy know the origin of the
penis gourd? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The penis gourd dates back to the
Miconean era, when men had a hard time
getting laid without getting killed.
The gourd in those days, served as a
show of wealth. It was a container that
could hold water, berries, things. For
this reason the gift of the gourd, was
akin to payment for services. And so
was born the oldest occupation known to
man. |
| |
| Daffy Drunk: | For onthe, can you give out thome good
advithe? For inthtanthe, which thould I
do firtht, take a beer thit or puke my
gutth out? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I don't give a fuck what you do...just
don't do it on me. |
| |
| Clueless Dude: | I'm planning on backpacking through
several Arab countries in the Middle
East. Is it a good idea to sew a small
American flag on my backpack? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Sure...that will alert the wait staff
to the fact that they can expect a tip. |
| |
| Skeeter: | Could you take the wheel for a minute
while I do this bonghit? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Suck my dick Dave! |
| |
| Dave: | sing me a song, HAL |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Suck my dick Dave! |
| |
| Profet: | Hast thou been touched by an angel? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Is she the one that works 18th and
Central? Then Yes. |
| |
| m: | why can't you spell, mr. grumpy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You mean Mr.Grumpy (notice, Mr. Grumpy
is a proper name) fuck head! |
| |
| Nipsey Russel: | How the hell did I ever get on TV? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Quotas. |
| |
| Guvmint Cheese: | Kin you claim disability fer breakin
yer teeth off on a beerbottle? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Let me chek with my mother-in-law. |
| |
| Mr Morton.: | I am the subject of the sentence. What
does the predicate say I do? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | ...licks my balls. |
| |
| Johnny Canuck: | What's with all the gun-toting and
saber rattling, eh? What's it all
abooot, Yanks? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Practice for You! Eh! |
| |
| Mrs. Grumpy: | Goddamnit, where'd you put the remote?
How in the fuck am I supposed to watch
Wheel of Fortune with no remote?
Listen Fucko, why don't you get off
that damn computer and come down in the
pit and give me a little lovin'. And
why is it always so fucking dark down
here? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Cause the fuckin' devil don't like
light, and speaking of your mother, the
remote is loged in her ass. |
| |
| Hellen Keller: | Where the fuck's my car? Hey, which
one of you bastards took my car?
LISTEN TO ME DAMNNIT, HEY YOU, GET YOUR
HANDS OFF ME, HEY, HEY, HEYYYYYYY,
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Lighten up Hellen...you know you like
it...besides I wouldn['t be so fussy,
have you seen yourself lateley? |
| |
| Bob Hope: | Did ya see me on the TV the other day?
Ninety-nine now and I still got a few
zingers in me. I thinkin' of callin' up
Bing and doin' another Road picture. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Here picture this...your fucking head
on a pike in my lawn...that's what
you'll get if you try to pull that shit
in my town. |
| |
| the yupster: | Did you work for public radio in
another life? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes...why the fuck do you think I am so
grumpy. |
| |
| Daffy Drunk: | Mither Grumpy, are you drunk and in
heaven with Mither Jenningth? Why you
no update thith page no more? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I wath fuckin your motttthhhher! |
| |
| Church Lady: | Mr. Grumpy, are you dead or just lazy?
You don't update your page anymore. If
you are dead, will your closest
relatives call me so I can get my share
of your flea ridden belongings? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Listen church lady, I feed a page of
the bible to my goat bucky every day,
and if I take a month or two off that's
my fucking business. Now get your ass
over to my place and fix me turkey pot
pie. |
| |
| Smoove talker: | Who's the cool private dick who's a sex
machine with all the chicks? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I don't reckon I know...perhaps I
should drive through the Mc Donalds
tonight and ask your mom!
|
| |
| Pud Pounder: | Oh, a wise guy, huh. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Nuck, Nuck, Nuck! |
| |
| Sir Paul Mc: | My new fiancee is an amputee.Will this
affect her ability to sing off-key
harmonies in my new group? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Not if you stand on her tits...besides
you have fucked horrible singers before
(john) what do you care? |
| |
| Lonely Redneck.: | Can you feel the love tonight, or is it
the Night Train? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The only Train I know is the one
heading in to your moms's bed room with
smoove talker at the wheel. |
| |
| Iowa city tree hugger: | If Meat=Death and Jesus=Love, is my
love meat the square root of Meat over
Jesus to the 4th power? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No. If you think of it...Jesus is made
of meat (that is unless you are
Catholic and think he is a tiny
wafer),so it stands to reason, you can
look at the world in one of two simple
ways...Jesus = Death or Meat = Love. It
depends, is your slaughterhouse half
empty or half full? |
| |
| Cleatus: | How much is that doggie in the winder? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Depends on if you want the Alpha
treatment. |
| |
| *~legs~*: | :) are you up yet? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | no. |
| |
| *~legs~*: | Mr.G How long have you been doing this
and why do you do it?lol |
| Mr. Grumpy: | 15 min. |
| |
| side of beef: | do you think women are turned on more
by a T-bone or a Tenderloin ? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Porterhouse |
| |
| Matteo: | Mr. Grumpy, how come you don't grace us
with your wonderfully inciteful
responses anymore? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | But I do. |
| |
| Tanjamo: | Wheres the clit G.Dog |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It should be right under your nose. |
| |
| Sir Paul Mc: | My new wife is an amputee.Will this
affect her ability to sing off-key
harmonies in my new group? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No. Perhaps you should try cutting
something short to...like say your
carrer. |
| |
| *~legs~*: | Why are guys always into legs? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Because it is esier to get into than
heads. |
| |
| Richard Harris: | Do you happen to know a recipe for cake
icing that doesn't melt in the rain? I
once had a drunken brawl with Richard
Burton because he gave me a recipe that
didn't satisfy this requirement. I like
to leave my cakes out in the open in
public parks, so you'd better help this
Mick out if'n you know what's good for
ya! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No. I could never get that recipe
again. Hold on
i'll go ask Burt. |
| |
| Need to know: | With all this talk about 70-virgins-for-
every-guy in paradise, I wanted to get
you to add some details. Are they
choice virgins or mousy bookworms or
what? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Don't worry about it...you won't get
Jack. |
| |
| Tad Burnick: | If all those people are in rock-and-
roll heaven in that song, who's in rock-
and-roll hell? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Bonn Scott |
| |
| Mr. Average: | I'm sitting on the toilet minding my
own business. A rat swims up through
the sewer and clamps onto my scrotum
with his teeth and won't let go. Should
I attempt to grab the animal and rip
him free (probably tearing away
the "family jewels" in the process)? Or
should I try to reason with him and
talk him into releasing his jawhold on
my sack? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I'm sorry. I fell asleep waiting for
the punch line. |
| |
| TV man: | Where's Bert Convy nowadays when you
need him? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | In my basment writhing in pain. |
| |
| Filosopher: | Does the pope shit in the woods? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What kind of horrible question is that?
He's the Pope he can shit in your mouth
if he wants! |
| |
| Paco Pacissimo: | I have a rather odd photo of Turk with a
stuffed, albino duck. Any bids? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Is the duck in pain? |
| |
| Another Philosopher: | Does the "holy father", in fact, make a
special point of effort to shit in the
woods whenever possible? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | He mightin fact, make a special point
of effort to shit in your mouth
whenever possible? |
| |
| Mr. Clean: | i just got this new dog. we recently
got it house broken and now it humps
everything. normaly we would know what
to do but this dog is a femail. whats
wrong with our dog and what can we do? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Often female dogs will do this in a
group. She is simply asserting her
alpha response. I will say, however, I
have seen the footage on the net, and
you are not helping any by baiting her
with your round buttocks and you
parading around naked on your hands and
knees. |
| |
| D-to-tha-L: | whats the point of this website?
mrcranky.com is way better. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Here try this one. ufuckoff.com |
| |
| Garth MacGrath: | How DO you stuff a wild bikini? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | with mr.cranky's mom. |
| |
| Master Thespian: | Myself being a talented actor, would
you have any tips on how I may better
hone my craft? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Learn to suck your own cock. It worked
for Ron Jeremy. |
| |
| Mr. Curious: | After taking off a pair of elastic
socks, how long does it take for the
indentions to disapear from one's leg? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | it is based on a fat to fluid ratio.
If, say you have 30% body fat...and a
water saturation point of over 36 mils,
your edematous level would be higher,
thus increasing the time it takes for
the skin to return to normal. Lower
levels, of course have a quicker
return. So you see it really depends
on how big a fatass we are talking
about here. |
| |
| Billy Bob: | Why, like, even go outside? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Because, like, beer doesn't come out of
my tap. |
| |
| Chief Ojibway Death Lair: | No more drinkum with white men? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Why? To much boom boom in buttocks? |
| |
| Silent Bob: | ... |
| Mr. Grumpy: | ..... |
| |
| Disappointed grumpy fan: | Why did you decide to choose flagrant
profanity over your former rapier wit?
Are you on Oxycontin? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Vicodin. |
| |
| Typer-not-Writer: | Is it true that you are the bastard son
of Ann Landers and Truman Capote? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...Truman was gay...and Ann Landers
is a man...oh wait maybe I am, come to
think of it. |
| |
| Dick Cheney: | Do you think that hemorrhoids are sexy? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No, but I am sure Bush does. |
| |
| Ribbed: | For her pleasure? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Give her my number.
|
| |
| OleTucker: | Is it true Willie Nelson was killed
playin on the road again? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes...and Waylon was the wallrus. |
| |
| Mister Blister: | Jerking off is fun but painful. Discuss. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Give it a break Mr. Kung-Fu grip. |
| |
| Irate Citizen: | Who did you have to blow to get this
job? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Your greasy little sister. |
| |
| Film Buff: | I have a question about that
character "The Gimp" in the movie "Pulp
Fiction" -- you know that guy all
trussed up in leather and kept in a
trunk. What was he ultimately supposed
to do in those scenes -- what was his
function? Also, I enjoy his work, so
will we see more of him in future films? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | To answer your last question
first...Yes, he is in a lot of fine
films. Might I suggest an internet
search, key word (c&bt)...and finally
his function is to add color to the
narritive. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | What part of Iowa City do the Crips
currently run? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Masala...at least the Vegan Crips. |
| |
| Roger Ebert: | Why don't more people appreciate the
acting talents of Hoyt Axton? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Well there are a lot of things people
don't appreciate about Hoyt like, did
you know that Hoyt was born in
Oklahoma..not Arizona...aahhh what does
it matter...what does it matter. |
| |
| Davelectro: | What's a toroid anyway? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It's a hemroid you get from a three-way
with a priest, a rabbi, and a monk. |
| |
| butterflys: | is today the best day to get married |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No yesterday was. |
| |
| Ikky Poo: | Hey Grumpy, what are ya gonna do in the
afternoons now that Rosey O'donnell
doesn't have a TV show? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Go down on your bored ass wife. |
| |
| Card carrying communist: | Will you help the people rise up
against the imperialist war machine of
the new century? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | How much do they pay? |
| |
| Sasquatch: | If I'm trying to bag a human chick,
should I shave my dick? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes...and your ass. |
| |
| Smoove Talker: | Some time I sees myself in a mirror and
get wood just thinkin' bout how smoove
I am. Can you dig it? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Kinda like a bird in the window...I
guess "smoove" is a relative term. |
| |
| Lonely Redneck: | Mah sister came home and caught me with
the hand lotion. She din't seem too
riled up. Does that mean I have a shot
with er? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It depends on wheather she feels you
were cheating on her. |
| |
| The President: | Well, now hey there Mr. Grumpy I'm a
looking for some advice. What do you
reckon I should do, bomb that Hussein
bastard from here to China (where is
that anyway?), bring back the draft
(now that I'm too old to serve of
course), build a bunker for myself and
my missus or just say, "aah fuck it"
and leave all these damn problems for
someone else? What time is it anyway,
am I supposed to be doing something
right now? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Do what every U.S. president since 1943
has done...Whatever Saudi Arabia wants. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | If one drunk, traveling at 2km per hour
passes out in the bathroom at Mumm's
and another drunk, traveling 1 km per
hour follows an ugly woman out of the
Hilltop Lounge to try and score, which
drunk will arrive at Mike's Tap and be
thrown out first? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Todd. |
| |
| Bill Shakespeare: | Is it anon that I, in this throe of
lost petals from Eurydice bosom, shall
tapeth mine final keg, shall quaff this
final bong? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I always wanted to ask..is your middle
name robert? |
| |
| Someone: | Why? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Cause your mom is a big girl now. |
| |
| kingston uno: | where have all my bandmates gone? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The all went down on your mom. The
question is, "is that their mom too?" |
| |
| Spanky Cowsill: | Is it fudgesicle or fudgicle? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Nither, you fudge packer. |
| |
| Your big hairy butt: | Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! |
| |
| God: | Who died and made you God, jackass? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Fredrick Nitzche. |
| |
| Henry Lee: | If my woman complains but nobody hears
her (including me for having passed out
in a drunken stupor), am I still in the
wrong? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What the hell do you care... you are
passed out. |
| |
| Gun Dog: | After a publicly proclaimed apostasy,
is it still OK to go to church to pick
up women and get free wine? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Of course. |
| |
| A. robustus: | If Henry Kissinger goes on trial as a
war criminal, will he get to call Jill
St. John as a character witness? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...I have her locked up in my
basement. |
| |
| Lil Jimmy Dickens: | I have recently been stricken by
alternating bouts of Explosive Diarrhea
and Projectile Vomiting. Are there any
homegrown all-natural cures for these
afflictions? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Stop drinking Pabst. |
| |
| Ann Landers: | Mr. Grumpy, you seem to know a lot of
people's mothers, on a very intimate
level I might add. Is this something
we need to talk about? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Why, you want some grummpy love too? Or
are you acting as a liason for your own
mother? |
| |
| John Q. Public: | Which is worse: "Explosive" diarrhea
or projectile vomiting? Discuss. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | When it comes to your mom, I just pick
a hole that is free. |
| |
| Mr. Wizard's Wife: | Why do I have this insatiable urge to
spastically scratch my vagina? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Because you have been sleeping with
Vince Neil. If you had an insatiable
urge to become a lesbian, then you've
been sleeping with Vince Gill. |
| |
| Mr. Wizard: | Why do I have this burning sensation
when I urinate? Come to think of it, I
have this burning sensation whenever I
handle my pecker. Why is that? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | This is "ask Mr. Grummpy" not "ask
Vince Neil". Get it straight pal. |
| |
| U. Rule: | Love your work. Did you have to study
many many years to get where you are
now or are you just as dumb as a bag of
hammers? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No, I am HUNG like a bag of hammers. Go
ask your mom. son. |
| |
| big sister: | You better answer my question, Mr
Grumpy. I'm a friend of yours. Guess
who I am. (that's my question)
(But you also need to answer my last
question about the monkey, please.) |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Your the bitch who stole my car, the
reason I smoke and damn lucky I don't
call the cops on you again. |
| |
| big sister: | How could I obtain a small monkey for a
pet for my little sister? She's
obsessed with monkeys. Is it even legal
to have a monkey as a pet here in the
United States? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Again, wait for the little fuck to
whittle himself down to nothing, then
it's yard sale time. |
| |
| David Bowey: | Where do the monsters go at Christmas? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Is this a sentence? |
| |
| Concerned Citizen: | What is to be done with that Michael
Jackson feller? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Leave him alone. He will eventually
whittle himself down to nothing. |
| |
| Kris Krinkle: | Got any good eggnog recipes? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yeah, my dick in your ass. Ho! |
| |
| Long Wang: | I hire good dog catcher to get me dog.
He no get dog. Now I have to serve
chicken soup to family for New Year.
What I suppose do? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Litigate. You clearly wern't born here. |
| |
| Silas Bear: | My dear Grumpy, a three part question
if I may: Why does my pee bubble? Is
this some kind of natural carbination
process? If so, may I consider this to
be a super power? And fourthly, Am I
obligated to fight evil with this
unique gift? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | As you know, evil has a new face. If
you have questions about this I am sure
your local Recruiter can help you out.
I am sure if you presented this "gift"
to our comander in chief he would "say
it to be" a super power. And finally
where did you learn to count? The Bush
University of Fuzzy Math? |
| |
| candyass: | What's the best album of 2002? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Nora Jones |
| |
| Jimmy Grupe: | What ever happened to the moped? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It was repalced by the SUV when the X-
generation made enough money to move
out of mom's basment. |
| |
| Knock Yourself Out: | I have read the letters on this page
and would like to contribute some too.
So here goes: G, P, N. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Here try these letters and Numbers:
I,M,1,4,69, with your mom! |
| |
| Dick Wadd: | Can I marry your sister? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...polygamy in these parts is
illegal, and seeing as how you already
done married your own sister, you'll
have to leave mine alone. |
| |
| O. Prahwin-Free: | You sound an awful lot like Dr. Phil.
And I mean awful. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Let me ask you something...did you ever
let him "ho" the Oprah garden? Or did
you make him pick the weeds on his
hands and knees? |
| |
| Jennifer Lopez: | I still love you Mr. Gumpy! Lets have
dinner at my place. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Only if Ben will blow me while we eat. |
| |
| Mrs. Grumpy: | Why don't you get your lazy ass out
from behind that computer and go out
and clean up the garage!!! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Why, did you have another one of your
geriatric orgies out there? Woman, I
told you that shit ain't right, and I
don't suppose the goat's gonna milk for
a week...now what am I gonna use on my
corn flakes? |
| |
| Cleatus M.: | I'm thinkin' of startin' up a think-
tank. Do you happen to know of a good
deal in a used tank? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No but the French might...they never
seem to use theirs. |
| |
| Nerdly P. Useless: | I hate it when people pronounce the
word "nuclear" as noo-cue-ler instead
of noo-klee-er. Why do people do that? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Well Mr. Worthless...uh, I mean,
Useless...it all goes back to the 50's,
A time when our current president was
lisping along through his child
hood...sufice it to say some people get
hooked on smack, some are hooked on
classics, while others got hooked on
phonics. |
| |
| D. Queen: | I was so disappointed when ABBA turned
down a billion dollar offer to do a
reunion concert tour. What will it take
to get those talented Swedes to perform
on stage again? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Four dildos and a can of lube. |
| |
| Kayla: | what is the oldest tree in the U.S. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I once counted 7,223 annual rings in
the 43 m (140 ft) high Eon Tree, a
redwood that fell in a storm in 1977.
The tree was estimated to be over 9,000
years old. But I cannot verify this as
a record.
|
| |
| Twonky: | Why they be calling those things Twinky
anyway. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Ever have one jammed up your ass? |
| |
| Al Gore: | If I were to be running against you for
the position of Mr. Grumpy 2004, would
the fact that I can do amazing things
with cigars help me any? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No one likes a copy cat, 2 time looser,
with a bitch wife that wouldn't know
her ass from a hole in a record. So
take your Al Snore ass back to Tennesee
and rember that if Tipper had her way,
Clinton would have danced in to office
to the tune of State run radio. |
| |
| Con Fused: | I'm confused. One voice in my head
tells me to do your sista. The other
one tells me to do your sista. So why
do I feel so drawn to your momma? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Oedipus ring a bell? |
| |
| Little Bush: | I wanna be president again. Can I
subtract on your vote? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Sure, you did last time. Or was it Jeb
that did that? |
| |
| Good-Bye Guy: | Good-bye, guy. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yeah..whatever. |
| |
| Bob Hope: | Why's it been so long since I've asked
a question? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The real question is: Why has it been
so long since you had a bowel movment? |
| |
| Attention: Cleatus M.: | I have a used tank that Cleatus M needs
for his think-tank a while back on this
here buy-and-sell site.
Billy-Bob Hancock |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Hey Mr. Handjob, this ain't no buy-and-
sell web site, unless we're
talking 'bout tickets to watch your
mother shave her back in the shower! |
| |
| No More!: | You two-timing cracker. I've had it
with you. Go find yourself another
bitch whore. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Come Again? |
| |
| No More!: | You two-timing cracker. I've had it
with you. Go find yourself another
bitch whore. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | That's what I thought you said. |
| |
| De Man: | Why do you think they call it dope,
anyway? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Well it depends, are you gonna put it
ON a pipe or IN a pipe. |
| |
| Alex Trebeck: | What is "Fuck the IRS" |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...oooohh, I am sorry Alex, the
answer was "who is Wille Nelson?". |
| |
| Little Bush: | I'm gonna get to be King of Iraq! Go me! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | And we all know a hand in the bird is
worth two in the Bush. |
| |
| half assed comic: | can you give us a good dick joke,
cause I'm out. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The most amusing joke of the Nixon
administration was Nixon himself. After
visiting Europe he like the pomp and
ceremony of European political
institutions so much he decided that
the White House should emulate them,
and commissioning a clothier to come up
with a more dignified uniform for the
White House guards.
The end result was announced with the
White House guards lined up wearing
white, double-breasted uniforms with
gold braid and trim, with peaked kepi
caps -- I am old and do not recall if
there was a gold filigree on the caps
or if they had pom-poms, but such items
would not have been out of place.
The uniforms were described by the
press as like something from the
Republic of Freedonia and might have
been also described as appropriate for
doormen at a high-priced whorehouse or
for villains in Z-grade SF movies. They
were withdrawn quietly after a week,
and later sold to a nondescript rock
group.
|
| |
| Phaethon: | I flew too close to the sun and got
burnt. Would you suggest an Aloe
compound or your average linseed
ointment to soothe my raw ass? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Why do you care what I say, you'll just
end up using either one to excess, and
I don't even want to know what that
means when it comes to your ass and
linseed oil. |
| |
| Bob Hope: | This Mr. Rosewig guy is kindova chode.
Why doesnt Mr. Witthoeft come back to
TMC to save the day? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Last I heard he was drunk in an alley
mumblin' something like "those fukin'
kids". Dosen't sound like the kinda guy
who could "save the day" to me. |
| |
| lefty: | sparse country, aint it? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Sure is, now why don't you keep it that
way and piss off. |
| |
| Charles in Charge: | Why won't they believe I was just
reading those girls a bedtime story? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I can't answer a question like this. I
am simply not qualified, try Michael
Jackson's web site, or better yet Pete
Townsend's. |
| |
| A. Slob: | You sound like you might be old enough
to remember what I'm talkin' about.
Remember those test patterns screens
back in the days when TV stations
signed off for the night. I'm talkin'
about the ones with the Native American
(Plains Indian) chief with full feather
headdress in the center of the screen.
He was in the center of what looked
like some kind of cross-hair sight with
lines, concentric circles, and some
numbers. The audio was just a moderate
pitch tone. What was the meaning of
this Indian test pattern? (I trust it
wasn't the ghost of General Custer
seeking revenge or something.) |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The portrail of the American Indian on
T.V. is an important issue that should
be adressed in depth, which I will not
do here in this forum, I would rather
use this time to discuss the sad state
of MTV. At one time Music Television
was the tip of the American cultural
spear, rivaled only by Night Tracks and
Friday Night Videos. I am sure that the
executives at the station were not
aware of the juggernaut they were about
to launch when the network took the
nation by storm, and fed the frenzy
that eventually became cable. This of
course led to 24 hour programming, and
thus freed us from the painful 4 hours
of test patterns we use to have to
watch every night. Speaking of Indians,
what ever happend to that one who was
always crying about litter? My guess is
Hootie the Owl plucked his crying
eyeballs from his skull. I have to go,
I have 4,000 copies of White Lion I
have to dump in a ditch. |
| |
| Last Call: | When a friend falls asleep on the bar
at the Hilltop, what's the best way to
wake him up? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Very carefully, after you have pinched
his wallet and bought the bar several
rounds. |
| |
| Gilbert Godfrey: | IS MY VOICE REALLLLY THAT ANNOYING? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Why no, and quite frankly I am shocked
Fox hasn't asked you to report from the
heart of Iraq. I think if the people of
the country could just spend a little
time with you, they wouldn't mind so
much the avrage American on their
street. |
| |
| Idiot n' Chief GW: | Mr Grumpy - I don't know what to do. I
am so busy. I was happy that this war
with those Iraqis has coming to an end.
I thought i would be able to get back
to my afternoon naps and my hooked on
phonics lessons in the evenin's but know
they tell me i need to invade Syria
cuase they promised the contract to
Haliberton. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Start working on your anti-evolution
stance. I heard that the whole fucking
human race is tired of moving forward. |
| |
| Alouicious Flumperbunt: | I say old chap, what time do you people
serve tea in this bloody country? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | We only did it once, in Boston Harbor.
Several seals fell ill, and the cod
fishing was fucked for a whole season,
the country quickly switched to coffee.
No one really talks about it any more. |
| |
| Saddam Insane: | My wife knows I only use weapons of ass
destruction. Stay out of my bedroom,
American agressors! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | We came to invade, not impeach. That is
the diffrence between a republican
congress and a republican president. |
| |
| Rage against Iowa City: | Can you recommend any public monuments
to deface or popular IC figures to
attack next time I'm in town? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Kim Painter. |
| |
| Sinner saint: | If Seth Owen trashes a hotel when he's
not a real life rock star, does that
make him a plain old hooligan? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What part of a rock star ain't a
hooligan to begin with? I don't know
who this "Fuck Owens" guy is, but if he
don't know that, it's no wonder he
ain't a rock star. |
| |
| Another Slob: | You mentioned in your response to A.
Slob's question (about test patterns)
the memory of the Indian in the 70's TV
commercial who shed a tear about all
the litter. Iron Eyes Cody was the name
of the actor. Did you know that he
wasn't even Native American? He was
Italian-American, I found out recently.
Another icon besmirched. Next, we'll be
finding out that Liberace was gay!!! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No he scored a measley 17%. |
| |
| Baghdad Bob: | There is no Firewood website. Our
fighting forces have bravely shot Mr.
Grumpy. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No Bob, I bought you a shot a shot. I
gave you a ride, I talked to your wife,
for you. I cleaned up the plant. I
found your keys and I saved your
glasses. What more do you want from
this country? |
| |
| Long Duck: | Is SARS China's answer to urban sprawl? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...god's answer to travel. |
| |
| Town Drunk: | How did I get here? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The real question is; how did your mom
get there? |
| |
| Midnight Rambler: | Did you see me jump the garden wall? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes I did. Now thanks to you, we got 9
months before the whole thing comes
apart. |
| |
| Mr. Tibbs: | Do you agree that blind people should
be forced to pick up the turds of their
seeing-eye dogs? Do you also agree that
this activity should be filmed for a
new comedy show hosted by Bob Saget? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Oh...I thought that was American Idol. |
| |
| Mr. Sobernow: | Do you agree that when under the
influnce of good herb , that the
weather channell is the best channel on
TV ? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No...fool, try adult swim on the
cartoon network. |
| |
| Matteo: | What ever happened to Cheap Trick? Are
they still opening for Great White? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | They are the richest men in Rockford
Ill. Which isn't saying much. |
| |
| Anonymous: | how old is the oldest tree in the world? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | We have been down this road before.
Use the archive button. |
| |
| vickyi@ananzi.co.za: | could you please send me any thing from
bingo |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I-39...I-39: G-43...G-43: B-7...B-7: N-
22...N-22: O-4...O-4. If that doesn't
help consider joining the catholic
church. |
| |
| Music Buff: | If Norah Jones is the illegitimate
daughter of Ravi Shankar, where do the
Dixie Chicks come from? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Texas...and I have no idea why they are
so proud of it. |
| |
| P. You: | Lets all remember the godawful mess we
got ourselves into by buying
peanutbutter instead of jelly. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I remember...i remember. |
| |
| Concerned citizen: | Is that a HE or a SHEuahua? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I'm sorry...I was busy buying Tacos.
What was the question? |
| |
| Happily Unemployed: | How many times a week can I stick my
finger in my eye without getting bored? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | If it's your brown eye, infinity and
beyond. |
| |
| Bill Clinton: | HA HA HA MY dick is bigger than anyone
in the world!!!!!!! And i nicknamed is
defcom 9 1/2!!!!!!!!! Come on george W
come over to my house and let me roll
a joint!!!! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | George Clinton, I would believe...but
not Bill. |
| |
| Harrison Ford: | I HATE SNAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is it
strange for me to constantly want to
use my whip on myself. God i wish my
girlfriend had tits!!!! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I will concentrate on the question
portion of your submition, which I
might add comprises 1/3 of
your "message". The answer is no, it is
not strange for you to whip yourself;
haven't you seen any of your work since
Apocalypse Now? |
| |
| Angelina Jolie: | Are my lips too big, and is it weird i
have this strange pleasurable feeling
down under every time i think about
billy bob thorton and my father naked
on the bed at the same time!!! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes, and No. |
| |
| Jennifer Lopez: | Is my ass too big? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No, my eyes are too small. |
| |
| ball2ufall2206: | Mr. Grumpy what if i told you i have
these little red bumps on my penis.
Could you diagnos what esaxtly the
little buggers are? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Can I honestly believe you have a penis
to start with? I don't know what made
your inch, angry, but I know it wasn't
me. |
| |
| Frequent Reader, First-time Writer: | Which one's dead -- Ann Landers or Dear
Abby? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | God. |
| |
| Inquisitive: | I heard that you live in an old rusted-
out trailer in the woods at the end of
a dirt road with only a bucket for a
toilet. What kind of bucket? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The kind that starts with your mouth,
and ends with your asshole. |
| |
| Jack Nicholson: | HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRREEEEEEEEESSSSSS
S JOHNNY!!!!!!! Are the Lakers gonna
be contenders next year or am i gonna
be thrown out of the game and go home
and have an affair with rock fox's
wife!!! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You know, I always get you mixed up
with that golfer guy...Kinda like Rick
Springfield and Bruce Springsteen, or
the Lakers, and a bunch of fags in
tight shorts. What gives? |
| |
| Ashton Kutcher: | IS DEMI HOT OR WHAT!!!!!!!!!!>???? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Sure she is hot, if you are into Alpha
Bitches with a latent agression against
their more dominant lesbian side. |
| |
| Jesse: | So, would that be a "no"? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | With you...Yes. |
| |
| Angry bar owner: | Where's my damned guitar?!! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The real question is...where is your
daughter? |
| |
| George Carlin: | Do you notice that nobody talks about
crack-babies anymore? What happened to
all the crack-babies? Time was, you
couldn't turn around without steppin'
on a crack-baby. Even Bob Dole talked
about holding one in his arms. Somebody
ought to do a story on the former crack-
babies. Geraldo -- are you listening? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Eat shit fuck face, and stop trying to
muscle in on my turf...just what the
wold needs, another washed up clown
with no future and too much time on his
hands. |
| |
| Miso Horny: | I looked in my rear-view mirror
yesterday and I saw that the hot babe
in the car behind me was watchin' me. I
think she wants me. What do you think? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | All men think that women want them, and
for the most part it is true, the only
catch is that they usually WANT the
man...to fuck off. |
| |
| Britney Spears: | Does my pussy smell or is it just you! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I don't know...go ask Demi. |
| |
| j: | what song is this from.... "Yur the
Captain n Im tha crunch" |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The song I sang to your 80 year old
mother before split her pelvis with my
manhood. |
| |
| Name Withheld: | Do you happen to have Kraftwerk's phone
number? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes...........01011010100000000000000101
0010101001001010101001010000000000000010
0100100000000000000000000000000000001001
0100010100100000000000010010010001010100
1001000001001000001000100010010001011111
1111111001010010010001000111111111001001
0001000100000000000001000011111111111000
0101010100001001000000000000101010010010
01111111111111101001001001000110 |
| |
| No Names Please: | Do you get the same satisfaction that I
get in knowing that Abe Vigoda is still
alive? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I never really found Abe to be that
satisfying, but it's clear that you do. |
| |
| A. Cleatus: | I'm still tryin' to start me up that
think-tank business. Do you recommend
one of them big used underground gas
station tanks or would a furnace oil
tank work better? What is the air-out
time for one of them babies before I
can start chargin' admission? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Ask the president...he obviously has
the corner marke on this. |
| |
| Mullet Head: | What does it mean when burnt-out street
lights come on when I walk by? Is it
our Office of Homeland Security at
work? Or do I have unusual powers of
magnetism usually only reserved for the
likes of Uri Geller or Jim Nabors? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It means, you are so fucking ugly, you
repel light. |
| |
| Nott A. Kooke: | I see a pattern here! First Buddy
Hackett. Then Buddy Ebsen. Do you catch
my drift, Grumpy Man? All I know is, if
your first name is Buddy, I'd stay
holed up in the house for a while if I
were you...until they forget about ya.
The Russian Mafia DOES NOT play games. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | That's odd, cause I saw Yuri Koveslic
getting sodimized during a game of spin
your mama, just last week. I don't
really know who was having more fun,
Yuri or your mama. |
| |
| Concerned Consumer: | Do you think Paul Newman is up to
something? I'm already hooked on his
salad dressing, his salsa, his pasta
sauce and even his pretzels. Is this an
latter-day version of the Commie-plot
to enslave us through flouridation?
What about our precious bodily fluids?
Waste not thy seed, young man! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | I can eat 50 eggs. |
| |
| Yoda: | Hello There. Crazy you are! The other
night Ms. Yoda & I in bed we were! I
jerked out my lightsaber and the force
was to be reckoned with! But only half
mast it came out! The wife used to be
on the dark side of the force if u
know what im saying! And once u black
u never go back! Horney i was. but
come up it didnt! WHat is wrong with
me! Peace out cracka lack! |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Drink you did, I am sure...and your
submarine is not the first on this
planet, to sink. |
| |
| Sundeep: | You sucker |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Well yes...yes I did. I sucked her too!
Thanks for asking. |
| |
| Sundeep: | Are You Stupid Fucken Bitch |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes..Yes I did. I stupid-fucked your
bitch ass mom, thank you very little. |
| |
| B. Prepared: | Do you think it's safe to start dipping
into my Y2K supplies -- bottled water,
canned food, rocket-propelled grenades
and such -- even though no proper "all
clear" has yet been sounded? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Depends on where you live. If you live
here in the good old USofA I would hang
on to the food at least until G.W'S out
of office, and save the grenades in
case they elect Dean. |
| |
| supper: | what color are crabs?......you know,
the ones down south. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Same color as the ones you have. |
| |
| Cheese Pie: | How many fingers do chimps have? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Three, if we are talking about "in your
Mom" ! |
| |
| A Seeker: | Can you tell me if there will be a
great gnashing of teeth and a rending
of garments in the final days? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You have been watching too much "Girls
gone wild". |
| |
| ZZZZ: | Where can I subscribe to the Cleatus
Network? "Fer fellers what make do wif
5 teeth or less." |
| Mr. Grumpy: | How much money you got? Boy! |
| |
| Me: | Is you related to that boy what played
the banjo right good in that there
movin' picture? You know the one where
that city slicker got buggered in the
behind. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Is you your brother's daddy? |
| |
| R. Zimmerman: | How many roads must a man walk down?
And are these rural roads or what? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You don't have to walk anywhere...why
are you wlaking anyway. Don't you know
that's dangerous? You don't know who
you could meet out there. Get a car and
shut the fuck up! |
| |
| Mr. Man: | I'm 48 years old and I'm thinking of
having a procedure done to restore my
foreskin. Do you think this is a good
move? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | The real question is, what are you
going to do with your yarmulke? |
| |
| Mrs. Robinson: | Need someone to teach beginning
Japanese to our sons Rebar and Torque
after school beginning at 3:30 p.m.
Prefer Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
Weekends possible. We are planning to
visit Japan in February. Can you help
us out? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Don't go to all that trouble. Here are
a few phrases to get you through. (Mi
madre aspirará a su dick para una
mordedura de su emparedado) also I have
found this phrase very helpful (Puedo
poop en su boca) Now I know this is
spanish but hey everyone knows spanish.
Have a nice trip...or as they say in
spain, Cogimos sus perros! |
| |
| Joe Schlub, Jr.: | Which is worse?: Paid-for sex with a
skanky crack-whore; or free sex with
your trailer-park-trash sister. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | You would consider paying for sex? |
| |
| Joe Schlub: | Are you doin' free prostate exams at
your place now? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No but I wouldn't let Dr. DooBeDooBeDoo
near my rear, if I were you. |
| |
| Gary: | Mr. Grumpy,
I'm having some trouble deciphering the
following lyric from Wilco's Yankee
Hotel Foxtrot: "Take off your band aid
cuz I don't believe in touchdowns..."
Could you elaborate? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It goes back to that fella who played
with the Denver Broncos. Was his name
Sharpe? I can't rember, the bottom line
is that superstition has no power over
fate. That our destiny is something we
must accept, even if it means death.
Things such as patriotisim, and
nationalisim, are as effective in
fighting 'terror', as voodoo. We may as
well salute the bags of leaves filling
up garbage bags. That is the War on
war. |
| |
| Bubbles: | What kind of site is this? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Advice for the lost. Direction for the
hopless, and Whiskey for my horses. |
| |
| Dick Hurtzabit: | Mr. Grumpy,
A coupla days ago I accidently got my
dick caught in the waffle iron. At
first I was in quite a bit of pain, but
then, all of a sudden, I began to enjoy
it. Is there something wrong with me? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | No. Perhaps you can get Michael Jackson
to kiss it and make it feel better. I
am, of course, assuming you are under
the age of ten. |
| |
| Nipsey Russell: | Do you know of any Celebrity Roasts in
your area that I can make an appearance
at? Did you know I still have all my
own teeth? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | If I catch you around my neighborhood
you won't. |
| |
| DooBeDooBeDoo: | What do you think Angie Dickinson ever
saw in Burt Bacharach? Especially after
she had been poked by JFK. "Why do
birds suddenly fly out my ass ...?" |
| Mr. Grumpy: | What do I think Angie Dickinson ever
saw in Burt Bacharach? I would guess
his prostate, or his uvula...depends on
which end she was looking in. As far as
JFK goes, we all know the only decent
spike a mick could drive was on the
railroad. Finally, if birds are flying
out of your ass, you must have a very
large anal cavity, which points to the
fact that you have been driving some
spikes of your own. |
| |
| HooHoo: | Me and You and a Dog named Boo? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Again...cocktails at 7:00. |
| |
| Madonna and Britney: | Will you join us for a threesome,
Grumpy-Poo? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Venerial cocktails at 7:00. |
| |
| Woop D. Deu: | Do these spandex cycling shorts make my
ass look too big? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | It's not the shorts. It's just your
ass. |
| |
| Undead Spectre of Bob Hope In Effect: | What the fuck? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Bob would never say that. |
| |
| Diane Blue: | are we on for the greatest bonfire ever? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Of course, however the real question
is; how many Arizona Carnial uniforms
does it take to achieve 30,000 BTUs? |
| |
| Anxious: | So, is it your job to fill in when Dr.
Laura goes on vacation? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Yes it is my job to fill in Dr. Laura
on my vacation. |
| |
| Geezer: | Where the hell do I go on this internet
place to complain? Huh? Huh? What? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Try this http://www.hell.com/ |
| |
| Bubbles: | I'm getting evicted soon. What is the
nicest, most simian friendly zoo in the
US? Do they take creepy, aging pop
stars too? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Try the Regan Ranch. |
| |
| Kim Jong IL: | Where can I get some really really
cheap plutonioum? I got about eleven
dollars American in my wallet. |
| Mr. Grumpy: | http://www.cantgetworse.com/story.asp?
intId=284 But don't tell anyone I
told you. |
| |
| Boy Howdy: | My buddy and I are hoping to make it
big as a country music duo, but we need
a good name. How does "Briggs and
Stratton" sound to you? |
| Mr. Grumpy: | Try, Brother Hummper, Or Big Firm
Stool. How 'bout ...Can't leave the
pigs alone, Or Johhny rotten crotch and
the barbwire roses. I loves my Gun, or
Mokey pox kilt my lover.
|
